What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 17:26
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was scared of men, in general
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She found it foreign!.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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One cannot live in the past .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
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Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Put me off passion for life!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Why do men first look at a woman's chest instead of their face?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She was in good health!
What is the most offensive thing someone has ever asked you?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was 9 years of age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I waited trembling.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
(And it was in our own minds.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So whats the point in blame.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
All the time i was locked up.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
I said to her
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We were not on the streets..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I will be 64.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
So, i spoilt her more .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
As i do to all so called friends.?
What did i know ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But it wasn’t much.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I was very sick at this time too.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i lived it daily.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I have no regrets .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I was seconnd youngest,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Especially a lifetime of it.
My family never makes their pension either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She married twice! .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He knew the spot.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I write beautiful poetry .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We all went to grammer schools
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Would this be the day?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My life is so biszare .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
She wouldn,t have been !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is soul school!.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I don,t even have a pension.
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Comes on , in middle age.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She loved him until the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He resisted the act ,that day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
It was going to be , some day.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im still living with it.
Ive learnt so much.